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I’m 21 years old and I’ve been single for my entire life. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Sure I’ve had my fair shares of crushes, but I’ve never been able to open myself enough to make them into anything more.

I’ve watched movies, read books, and listened to songs about soulmates, but I don’t know if I ever truly believed in them. We’re supposed to believe that out there, in this big world of ours, there is one and only one person who we are meant to be with. Knowing this, how do you enjoy your life before your soulmate? How do you date people knowing that they won’t be the one, that you’ll get attached and restless only for them to eventually become a side character in your life?

What is Carrie Bradshaw’s view on this topic? In Season 4 Episode 1 of Sex and the City, Carrie turns 35 years old and finds herself in a deep slump, reflecting on how lonely and old she feels at 35. Not lonely because she has no friends or family, but lonely because she doesn’t have a boyfriend, a special someone.

I don’t remember a single time when I watched this episode without feeling a similar way as Carrie – and I’m only 21. I’ve always felt not complete - even knowing myself better than anyone else, analyzing every side of my personality. There was always one part that left me in doubt. I regularly stop myself and think “once I’ll date someone this or that in the way I am will change”, without knowing what this difference will look like. I feel like I’m just waiting for this “soulmate”, almost sacrificing myself for them to take up the role of main character in my life. I’ve seen all of my friends and close ones go in and out of relationships, wondering when my time will come. I’ve felt this pressure weigh on my shoulders for years now.

For as long as I can remember I’ve shared Carrie’s vision of soulmates. I’ve felt lonely and sour as I saw couples and their love bubbling around me, a love that never reached me. I’ve felt jealous at the thought that some people receive that special kind of love every single day of their lives, while I’ve tried to find it in every other way – but ultimately never beat the loneliness of being single.

Entering my 21st year, I wanted to let go of Carrie’s perspective and shift towards Charlotte’s opinion on soulmates. In an attempt to comfort Carrie, she tells her three best friends: “Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soulmates. And then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.” In the same way, I’ve never watched this episode without agreeing with Charlotte, without thinking of my best friends, who I’ve always had in my life, who have stayed loyal and loving to me for as long as I can remember.

I realize now that this all makes sense. Why would my soulmate be a man I’ve only ever imagined, idealized, or idolized? Why wouldn’t I call the friends I’ve loved for my whole life my soulmates? After all, according to Webster dictionary, “a soulmate is either a close friend or romantic partner with whom one has a unique deep connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance”[1]. The definition says it itself; a soulmate can be a close friend. Then why is it so normalized for your soulmate to be your partner?

I’ve never felt more love and compassion for anyone for as long as I have than for my three best friends. I had the chance of meeting them when we were in kindergarten, and I have the chance now to know we will never depart each other’s lives. I could not imagine a life without them, and to me this is the definition of a soulmate. Why wait for years, feeling misunderstood and lonely at the thought of not having a boyfriend to call a soulmate, when I can realize today what a chance I have to know my soulmates? Just like Charlotte says, a boyfriend can add a unique significance to my life, one that I have yet to discover, but I won’t accept to feel bad waiting for him to stumble into my messy little life. I won’t wait endlessly for a soulmate when I know that I already have three.

COSIMA

[1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/soulmate

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